Self Love and Relationships. (revised)

Many people hear "you need to love yourself before you can truly love others." I go back and forth with disagreeing with this statement.

There are two schools of thought that I've come across both internally and externally.

Sex psychologist Dr. Nicole K. McNichols goes through "5 relationship myths" She states, "Myth number one is that you can't love another person until you love yourself." She explains that "you can be depressed, lonely and generally miserable and still find love. You need to be self aware and thoughtful and willing to do the work, but you don't need to be perfect." I agree with this statement. People in healthy relationships don't just have self-love and then find their person and are happy for the rest of their lives without ever having self-love missteps. That isn't realistic, that's where the phrase "love is a choice" comes into play. When you aren't all self-lovey dove-y, your partner chooses to love you and support you. And vice versa (hopefully).

The thought behind loving yourself before you can love others has been derived and perceived from various perspectives, but the one that I like most is from the Toltec, detailed in Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz (same author of The Four Agreements).

Ruiz describes two types of love: fear-based love and true love. Fear based love is where you lack self-love. You feel you aren't complete or are lacking in certain qualities that you try to make up for in a partner. When you find a partner that has certain traits you feel you lack, you feel you have something to lose. You become possessive and controlling because you feel that you'll lose part of yourself if you lose that person. This isn't healthy love, this fear stems from a lack of self-love. It stems from people not realizing that they are complete and perfect just the way they are and can it lead to problems in a long-term relationship.

When you realize that you are a complete person and you have all the things you need, you have self-love which can then be shared via true love. Ruiz describes us as being life and just by being life, we are the essence of love. When we realize this and believe this and feel this, you can love from a true love place. You don't feel you need someone else to complete you, you just accept them as they are because you also accept yourself as you are. You pour out love and are open to receiving it.

Here's a passage from his book that explains love beautifully:

"There is no other medicine but unconditional love. Not: I love you if, or I love myself if. There is no justification. There is no explanation. It is just to love. Love yourself, love your neighbor, and love your enemies. This is simple, common sense, but we cannot love others until we love ourselves. That is why we must begin with self-love.

There are millions of ways to express your happiness, but there is only one way to really be happy, and that is to love. There is no other way. You cannot be happy if you don't love yourself. That is a fact. If you don't love yourself, you don't have any opportunity to be happy. You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either. But you can have a need for love, and if there's someone who needs you, that's what humans call love. That is not love. That is possessiveness, that is selfishness, that is control with no respect. Don't lie to yourself, that is not love.

Love coming out of you is the only way to be happy. Unconditional love for yourself. Complete surrender to that love for yourself. You no longer resist life. You no longer reject yourself. You no longer carry all that blame and guilt. You just accept who you are, and accept everyone else the way he or she is. You have the right to love, to smile, to be happy, to share your love, and to not be afraid to receive it also."

Self love is a muscle that needs to be maintained by ourselves. We need to make sure we're doing things and thinking about things that nurture our souls. We can't build and foster truly healthy relationships when the foundations are cracked.

My advice: Don't get into relationships if your primary reasoning is to get validation and companionship. These should be fringe benefits of dating someone, not your purpose for existing. Spare yourself some time, heartbreak and therapy bills - figure out how to date yourself and be happy with yourself before committing to someone else. When the timing and foundations are right, things will work out.

Disclaimer: If you're feeling a lack of self love but you're in a relationship, I'm not saying you need to end it. Everyone and everyone's circumstances are different. Talk to your partner to make sure you have open communication and let them know how they can support you while also figuring out how to support yourself.

Out of both the philosophies regarding self-love, I think they can coexist but both people in a relationship need to be aware of how they feel about themselves and how that impacts the relationship. Relationships are the most fulfilling things in life but they can also be very taxing without the right mindset. If you want help navigating this fickle life, feel free to reach out and schedule a session for some one on one coaching.