Processing Grief After Losing a Loved One.

When someone close to us passes away, it can really suck. It hits us hard and pierces our soul. It leaves us wondering how we'll ever be happy again. It can have us question if we should have done something different or something more. It can leave us with regret. It can have us attempting to talk to God and ask for signs - even if we don't believe in God. Grief brings up a whirlwind of emotions, but overall, grief usually leaves us overwhelmingly sad and a little broken, if not shattered.

So how do we process this? How do we pick ourselves up, wipe our tears and continue on with our lives without feeling sad, guilty, confused, depressed, and all the other shitty emotions that accompany grief?

Unfortunately, there isn't a magical formula or exercise you can do. And unfortunately, the best solution is time - as cliché, frustrating and mundane as it sounds - time really does heal all wounds. However, there are some things you can do to help yourself and your mindset.

First: Feel all the feels. If you want to ugly cry and not wipe the snot coming out of your nose; ugly cry and let it out. Get a couple good wails in there, lay on the floor, there may be even a bit of dry heaving. Don't worry about not being able to form complete sentences. You may lose your appetite, or you may want to indulge in a lot of ice cream, pizza and other comfort foods. It's OK. Don't feel bad about taking care of your soul in this time of need and don't worry about anything else. Just feel the feels.

Second: Breathe. Breathing grounds us, it clears our minds and helps us process emotion. Try a mediation exercise. Sit down, close your eyes and focus on breathing steadily in and out. Four seconds in, hold for four seconds, four seconds out, hold for four seconds. Then repeat. If you become distracted by a thought or emotion, pause and think "oh, thinking" or "oh, feeling" and then refocus on the breath. In, out. In, out. You can use this exercise whenever you wish. If you become overwhelmed with sadness, if your chest is constricting and your throat is closing, try taking a long and slow deep breath.

Third: Get outside and connect with nature. Getting out of our environment and away from people can be extremely peaceful and lead to a lot of reflection, contemplation and overall clarity (even if only momentarily). Go on a hike, bring a blanket and sit next to a river, look out over the waves of the ocean - just get out of your current headspace and take in some fresh air.

Fourth: Appreciate the small victories. Life can seem pretty unbearable after a loss. So take the wins where you can get them. If you needed to go grocery shopping and you finally worked up the energy to do it, give yourself a pat on the back and a smile. If you finished reading a book, take pride and acknowledge that rush of excitement in your belly. Basically, allow yourself to move forward - slowly, and give yourself some credit for picking yourself up off the floor.

Fifth: Come to terms with reality. Let go of the "what ifs." "What if I did this? What if I said this? What if this had happened instead?" This can be extremely difficult and it takes time to get to this point. If you're questioning the circumstances - which is perfectly normal - try repeating the phrase: "I accept what is, let go of what could have been, and have faith in what will be." This will help you accept what happened rather than fighting it. When you see things as they are, you no longer torture yourself. As horrible as it may be, what happened, happened. It's a relief to accept the things that are out of your control - whether you're okay with it or not, you literally can't do anything about it. So take a deep breath and appreciate the pressure on your chest quickly evaporating when your body feels the acceptance.

Last: Remember the good times. Write down the positive and happy things you remember - the things you can look back on and be grateful for. Gather photos, mementos and whatever else you can get your hands on. This will help you appreciate the life your loved one led and the memories you shared. This will probably be a somber exercise, but you'll appreciate it down the line. You won't need to stress about forgetting them, or memories fading because you'll have a physical account to go back to.

Although life may be difficult to picture without your loved one, they wouldn't want you to stop living. Life is short - we still need to make the most of it and appreciate all of it (even the crappy parts). Take comfort that this experience will make you stronger, more compassionate, help you appreciate life and honor your loved one. When moving through our days, we often forget to pay attention to the small things. However, when we experience tragedy, the small things seem the sharpest in our minds. Move through your day and pay attention; smell the roses, savor every bite of the cookie, tell the people in your life that you love and appreciate them. Basically, practice being fully present.

Overall, grief sucks and life is fickle - but I promise you, we can do hard things.*

If you or someone you know is experiencing grief and could benefit from some help, feel free to schedule a session. We can work through it and put together some customized steps and actions to help you process your loss while also figuring out how to fully live.

* From Glennon Doyle's book Untamed